But not even I know what book, exactly, is inside me. Until now, that is. Until Fay Weldon.
Last week, Weldon announced that she would be sponsored by Bulgari, the jewelry maker, for larding her text with frequent references to the inarguable quality of Bulgari baubles in her next book, “The Bulgari Connection.”
Many critics were shocked that Weldon would let something so crass as product placement cheapen something so noble as literature. The New York Times editorial page–whose own integrity is not only beyond reproach, but beyond returning my employment-related phone calls–even condemned Weldon for ushering in a world where books are cluttered “by the visual din of advertising” because authors won’t be able to “resist the temptation to turn [their] work into a billboard.”
I am living proof that the Times is right: I can not resist the temptation. The minute I read about Fay Weldon’s entrepreneurial genius, I started compiling a list of my favorite products for possible sponsorship. Next, I contacted key “business development” or “marketing” executives at all of the “companies” and pitched them my–well, actually Weldon’s–idea.
But I went one step further, not merely offering prominent product placement, but promising to tailor the plot of each novel (hey, I’ve got a million of ’em) for each company.
Here are the pitches I made to some of America’s great businesses:
