I reached this Cole Porter-esque conclusion on Valentine’s Day when, in my ongoing quest to understand why some heterosexuals believe that gay marriage will destroy their “traditional” marriages, I stopped by the Central Park Zoo to interview the famously gay penguins, Roy and Silo. You may not know about Roy and Silo, but we New Yorkers have been mighty proud since they came out in 1998. Finally, instead of having New York’s collective sex life defined by the floozy, commitment-challenged heterosexual women of “Sex and the City” or the pages of personal ads taken out by single losers, we finally had a First Couple of Monogamy that would show the world that love and fidelity could still conquer all (plus, they looked great in their little tuxedos).
Roy and Silo’s love is a story for the ages. Like so many great lovers, Roy and Silo met in a zoo holding tank in 1998. They were young then, and unsure of themselves sexually like many adolescents (and when I say “adolescents,” of course, I mean me). But their attraction could not be denied, and they have remained inseparable, according to Central Park Zoo penguin keeper Rob Gramzay.
Gramzay knew that Roy and Silo had paired off, because at breeding time, they did everything the “straight” penguins did: they built a nest, they defended it from others and engaged in what zookeepers euphemistically call “ecstatic display.” It sounds kinky, but it simply means that the penguins stand straight up, stretch out their wings and entwine their necks. It’s the penguin equivalent of going to City Hall in San Francisco. (As an aside, isn’t S.F. mayor Gavin Newsom a genius? By allowing gays to marry, not only is he sending a powerful civil rights message, but every one of those gay couples had to buy a marriage license. At $83 a pop, Newsom has added almost $400,000 to the strapped civic treasury–money that certainly won’t be refunded when President Bush amends the Constitution to do something no reasonable compassionate conservative would ever do: Make it less protective of individual freedom and personal liberty rather than more).
Back in the tank, Roy and Silo’s behavior indicated that they really wanted a kid. Zookeepers gave them a dummy penguin egg, just to see if they’d actually incubate it. When they did, zookeepers gave them an actual egg, which Roy and Silo again incubated. When the baby chick was born, Roy and Silo cared for it, feeding it yummy regurgitated smelt and keeping it warm until it could survive on its own.
Years later, Roy and Silo are still going strong. And so are all their heterosexual penguin pals who share the tank with them. So that dispels one myth about gay marriage: Roy and Silo’s commitment to each other has not destroyed the sanctity of the other penguin marriages. Gramzay said the penguin divorce rate remains the same as it was before Roy and Silo hooked up.
Not that you see much “hooking up.” I’ll admit it, I had gone to Central Park in hopes of seeing some hot gay penguin sex, but it turns out that penguins pretty much ignore each other until mating season, which begins in about six weeks. So when I visited the tank last week, Roy was puttering around with a rock while Silo swam and barely made eye contact. In other words, they looked liked an old married couple.
Besides, sex in the penguin world–straight or gay–isn’t all that hot (and it’s barely sex). Penguins don’t have genitals, per se, so gay penguin sex is exactly the same as straight penguin sex (not to be graphic here, but it basically involves the locking of cloacae. Can I say “cloacae” on a family Web site?). The only difference, Gramzay said, is that Roy and Silo unlock before, um, “completion.”
That sounded strange to me, so I called my thespian friend, Eric Oleson (it’s okay to call him that because he’s openly thespian). As a gay man, Oleson was impressed by Roy and Silo’s commitment to each other, despite a climax-free sex life. “It’s actually kind of sweet,” Oleson said. “They realize that they don’t have the equipment, yet they’re still devoted to each other. It shows that gay marriage is not just about sex.” (Another gay-marriage myth dispelled! Just because a couple can’t breed, doesn’t mean it can’t love. And, after all, Roy and Silo successfully adopted.)
So if Roy and Silo can do it, why can’t humans? Indeed, if homosexual marriages exist in the animal kingdom, they must be normal. Then again, many opponents of gay marriage say that anything animals do is, well, animalistic and they want no part of it. But by that logic, we should give up straight sex, too, because animals pretty much invented it (and the French perfected it). And if Roy and Silo haven’t destroyed the other penguins’ heterosexual relationships, why do so many human heterosexuals feel that their marriages will be undermined just because a few thousand gays in San Francisco are pledging to spend the rest of their lives together?
After all, human marriage has somehow survived a 50-percent divorce rate. As Roy and Silo prove in their tank in Central Park, marriage will survive letting gays into the imperfect club, too.
